I am numb
I feel like such a failure. I have gained 6lbs and I hate myself but I keep having horrible days and then I come home and I cry all alone in my house by myself and I end up siting on my kitchen floor eating everything I can get my hands on, and for a split second I feel better, and the almost as soon as that feeling arrives it comes crashing down into a pit of self hatred and loathing and I end up wishing i could purge and taking pills or burning my wrists just to numb the pain. Then I sleep for ever so that I can dream and get away from my life, because when I dream I am perfect, and I no longer hate myself, and the world no longer hates me. Its when I wake up that the real nightmare begins, because by then my family is home and I get to feel even more worthless as they yell at me and call me degrading names and further convince me that everything that I hate about my self is true. It is true after all. I am all the things they say, because they aren’t the only ones that say them. I am constantly reminded by everyone just how hideous I am. And that I why I will never get better. That I why I can never love myself. That is why Ana will always have a tight grip on my life. Because according to the world, she is the only thing that can ever make me beautiful, and in my head she will make sure she is always number one. I can never win. I will always be running in this endless circle, until someone comes and kills Ana and rips her from my head. This is why I suffer… It’s because I am numb.




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